If only they’d gone for a spliff round the back of the Church instead it would’ve saved them the shock of their lives. But Bennyboy insisted, went crashing off into the pitch black night, pissed as a fart, shouting,

“Footy on the beach, eh?! Come ON!” in his big football chant voice, and the others followed, giggling and snorting as they ploughed through the night to the sea. Abdab was there and scrawny Ginny too who Wazza had the hots for and thought he might manage to snog when they got to the dunes. But Benny was running full pelt now, voice cracking as he laughed and yelled. Wazza pulled a torch from his pocket, clicked it on and followed. By the time they got down to the sea, Wazza was knackered breathless and Ginny had detached herself from the crowd, was throwing stones into the water. Abdab hid himself behind one of the pillars of the pier, struggling to roll a joint in this howling wind, cursing when Rizlas and tobacco went flying out over the water. He tried again, this time calling out to ask Ginny over, to hold her coat open and wrap it around him to keep out the wind. Cunning bastard thought Wazza, watching his mate smiling up at her, glancing quickly at her chest as he licked the gum on the cigarette paper.

Benny and those two geezers he hadn’t met before were chasing around the beach making one hell of a noise, except the din of the ocean blew it all away. He was kicking at pebbles and an old plastic bleach bottle he’d found, trying to get a proper game going.

“Abdab – on yer head, on yer head.”

But the wind caught the bottle and sent it scudding down the sand.

And then loomed up out of the dark the shape of a large sandcastle. Wazza played the torch beam across its smooth hills of sand, still pristine, decorated with shells and pebbles, strands of seaweed for hair.

“Woaw – it’s a mermaid. That’s amazing!” said Ginny.

“Bootiful.” said Abdab, trying to impress Ginny.

“Look at her boobies.” giggled Wazza.

“Bollocks.” said Bennyboy. Without a thought he swung his boot at the mermaid’s head.

There was a thunk, an explosion of sand, and something circular flew through the air.

“What the fu…”

‘What was that?!”
“Ow!” howled Benny, “That bloody hurt.”

The group gathered round, searching for whatever he’d kicked.

“There’s summink here. Can’t see what it is. Who’s got a lighter?”


And finally, a human skull was discovered on a Suffolk Beach, buried inside a sand sculpture of a mermaid. Local boy Benedict Boyd came across it while beachcombing with friends.

“You could have knocked me down with a feather.” said Benedict, 17…




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